Managing perfectionism with an all-or-nothing brain
“I can’t be a perfectionist, I mess up ALL the time”
Ok, let’s get a few things cleared up. Being a perfectionist isn’t about actually being a perfect human. Most people realize intellectually that nobody is perfect in every moment of their life. The perfectionism is in the quest to be perfect, the pressure you put on yourself to do everything correctly, or most efficiently, or with the least amount of inconvenience to others. It is in the lack of compassion you show yourself when you are tired or drained. In the expectations you have for yourself that you would never have for a close friend. The shame you experience when one of the many balls you’re juggling inevitably drops to the floor.
Next thing to clear up- I never want to shame you for the drive to be perfect. Perfectionism develops in response to a series of stressors or spending significant time in distressing environments. We feel the need to be without fault when it’s not emotionally or physically safe to make a mistake. When looked at with compassion, perfectionism makes a lot of sense as a survival skill. We think:
Maybe if I don’t make a mistake then my partner won’t be upset with me.
Maybe if I stay late to go over this report for the 5th time my boss won’t question my competence.
Maybe if I alter my appearance to look a certain way then I’ll feel more accepted.
The problem is that perfectionism fuels anxiety, depression, overwhelm, fatigue, and addiction (substances, phones, shopping, etc.). What may have been a helpful approach at one time - trying to be perfect to feel more in control and safer in a situation - can become a damaging tendency in a different environment.
Perfectionism is a struggle for many people – but it can kick into overdrive if you have a brain that is neurospicy (ADHD, Autism, AuDHD, Giftedness, CPTSD, OCD, etc.). There are a lot of flavors of neurospicy and they are all prone to using perfectionism as an attempt to control the environment around them in order to feel safer. Neurospicy brains LOVE all-or-nothing thinking. This type of thinking is a cognitive shortcut that allows for rapid assessment and decision making. Sometimes, when we might be in danger, all-or-nothing shortcuts are needed. If I’m walking in the woods and I hear a rustle in the bushes then it makes sense for my brain to yell “BEAR – RUN!” without stopping to examine the nuance of whether or not a bear is likely to be in that particular shrub.
Most of us are not regularly walking around the woods trying to figure out if a giant creature is trying to eat us. Many of our day-to-day decisions in the modern world involve complex analysis and nuance. When we approach nuance with all-or-nothing thinking we lose important context for decision making. When we approach every situation from a place of perfectionism, we risk burning out our limited energy and bandwidth.
We become so focused on the perfection of a tiny slice of our lives that we forget we need that energy for other things – ourselves, our values, our health, our dreams. I’m not saying don’t ever do hard things or that you should never push yourself to achieve something. I’m encouraging you to be discerning about what deserves your energy – not everything needs the same intensity of effort. It’s ok to choose where to put your focus.
Are you tired of criticizing yourself and those around you? Do you struggle with perfectionism or all-or-nothing thinking and want to learn how to create a life that feels more nuanced and balanced? I help client build lives they are in love with. Get started by reaching out to me for a consultation or to schedule your first appointment!